(September 14, 2000) There is a god. He sent an angel to me last night, before I could die. Kai is this....beautiful, big, strong....gentle vampire. I still feel insane writing the word "vampire". He picked me up out of the alley. God, I was too sick to argue with him. I didn't know what he would do with me, kill me, rape me, call the cops...but there was something about him that seemed trustworthy, safe. He was so gentle when he picked me up, his voice was kind. As soon as I felt his arms around me, I thought..."Okay, I can die right now". Part of me wanted to close my eyes right then, and let it be over with, because...I wasn't alone, and it felt so....right. But, he took me to his house..this huge castle thing! And, he talked to me, told me I didn't have to die. It sounded just like Louis and Claudia...except she was too sick for them to ask her.
He bit me, and drank my blood. It felt like...what I guess heaven would feel like. Or maybe sex, I don't know though. I've had drugs, lots of them, and they never felt like that, but it was kind of like a drug. I felt so good...so warm, like someone loved me. I wanted to touch him. But then everything started going black. For a second, I thought I was going to die, and not live again. But I didn't care. I was so happy, so warm....so content. It was as if he reached inside of me and cradled my soul in those strong arms of his. Then, the pain hit. It hurt...bad. It was worse than anything I'd ever felt before, and..I remembered the scene from Interview..where Claudia had Louis change that woman to be her mother. The lady was in agony, and Louis told Claudia it was just her body dying. He held me and whispered to me. I don't think I cried, but I'm not sure. All I know, is..when it was over...it was like I was reborn. I'm this person I don't even know. I feel...so good! So strong. My body has curves, I have hair..lots of it. I hear him coming.......this is what life feels like.....
(September 21, 2000) This man....this dark angel....has me undone. I've never felt so young, and so old around him. He's got to be thousands of years old....I'm just..like a drop in the bucket of time to him.....yet at the same time, I look at him...and parts of me come alive I never knew I had. The heat...it burns me. If I could, I would crawl inside of him, so I could be that close...but it still wouldn't be close enough. He is everything to me, sire..teacher..friend, lover. Oh god....the things he does to me. He makes me scream.....then scream for more. I'm consumed with him.
(September 27, 2000) I don't know much...there is so much to learn. I'm trying, reading as much as I can get my hands on, meditating....I really love the Hagakure. I think I read it and re-read it more than anything else. There's so much wisdom in that book. Kai is my master. I want to be good for him. He doesn't treat me like a master, he says we're equals, but.....I can't do enough for him. I'm learning about the clans, our abilities...he's teaching me combat. I want to learn hedge magick, and metal crafting. I guess I have plenty of time...all the time in the world, but there's not enough hours of darkness! I love being alive...I love being me.....I LOVE KAI! I still haven't told him about the visions....I'm still not sure I'm not just imagining them. I guess time will tell.
(September 30, 2000) Oh god....I had the worst one ever. I was meditating and in no mind state, and I saw Kai's office explode. It seemed so real. I couldn't stop shaking. I think there's something wrong with me. Maybe I really do need a shrink. It's got to be my fear of losing him. I mean, he is everything to me. I don't know what I'd do without him. But he can't die. He's too strong, he's like..lived forever. No one would be stupid enough to blow up his office, its not like they could get anything past security anyways. I'm not going to tell him. He'd think I was nuts or something. I hope it doesn't happen again. These things are freaking me out.
(November 5, 2000) Over a month since I've written in here. So much has happened, so many things I'd rather not relive, I guess. But then there's the honeymoon. Kai...is so wonderful to me. He's such a strong presence, god like, but at the same time, so down to earth and gentle. I know I'm in love...but it's not jus t that speaking...when I say all of this. People were so upset when he stepped down as prince. He just affects people. Though getting him to realize that is another issue entirely. He feels as though he's alone in all of this, and no one backs him up. I talked to him the other night, and it seemed like he understood. I really hope so. I don't trust this new guy at all. I just have bad vibes.
He must really not be used to relying or trusting anyone. I bet he spent most of his unlife alone. But, he's trying..he really is. He doesn't shy away from me at all. And, I think he wants to trust other people, it just doesn't come naturally. Probably with alot of good reason. Sertanis is here now....damn. I just don't know what to think. I know Kai still loves Draven, and always will. Not in the same way he loves me...now anyways...but he cares alot about her. This brother of hers...is gonna just cause more shit. It's just a feeling I have. I'm trying not to hate Draven, even Sertanis, but it's really hard with him sometimes. He just reeks of bad intentions. I don't know, man......
Well, that's it. Now Sertanis is up to something with me. I don't know what it is...but he's trying to be all suave and shit. If Kai found out, he'd want to have his head on a platter I bet. I wish Draven would put her fucking brother on a leash. I just know he's out to try and corrupt me or something, add me to his list of accomplishments, and triumph over Kai. What a fucking loser. I don't buy his act. I'm young, but not stupid. Oh well...I'll tell Kai about it, I guess. He'll keep an eye out, or say something to Draven, I suppose. Just when I thought it was going to get quiet. I don't understand why Kai doesn't let me in on what he does all the time. I know there's things going on....he goes off with people...and stays gone a while..then doesn't tell me anything. Just like him quitting as prince..I didn't have a clue. Does he not think I'm smart enough to handle it? Or is he afraid I'll get hurt? I hope some day he thinks me worthy enough to talk to me about all those things.